Unfortune Cookie

Analyst: $10,000
VS
3 Fortune Tellers: $20,000+

Well.... it's only apparent who is better at the job!!!


I’ve been told something quite ridiculous...

As a matter of fact, so ridiculous that it’s borderline funny… ok, it IS funny.

I don’t think there has been any other person in the face of HR that may have this under their belt. This may indeed be a first, and in which case, I seriously request an award.

You see, in many companies, when business, or monetary issues occur, executives and board members will usually come together to discuss a save-all plan, hell, perhaps even spend some dough for an analyst. It’s only logical isn’t it? Well, if one day you decided that being logical just isn’t the way to go… my company is the place for you!

I was asked for everyone’s birthdates just a week ago, a request especially made by the CEO. Gladly, I sent a spiffy PDF fresh off my saved reports. I was just told today however, that for an in depth business analysis, the CEO has hired not 1, but 3 fortune tellers to fly across the globe to review everyone’s birthdates… to (and get this)… assess if his/her role is not only a good fit, but if he/she is a good fit for the CEO himself.

See... I told you it’s sadly ridiculous, yet funny.

Well, I have already advised against this, and have reminded (them) that any results are absolutely against every forsaken code that is out there. Seriously.... OMFG! See what I have to deal with here?!?

Re-sue-mays

I'll often come across resumes so far fetched, or just so incredibly unbelievable that my jaw drops. As a matter of fact, these are usually the times when the entire office probably hears me (through a closed office door) say aloud, "Are you kidding me?".

Hiring time usually means bracing yourself for the opening of the massive flood gate, especially when you are looking for an administrative candidate. For example, a job post on Craigslist for a Receptionist or an Assistant will, from my experience, yield about 150 resumes in the course of 2-3 days.

From the 100+ resumes, the ratio usually looks like this:

• 20% qualified, or acceptable
• 15% overqualified
• 20% unstable
• 15% no significant experience
• 5% desperate
• 25% utter morons

Over my time, I have created a fast and easy solution to the "weeding" process. It's so simple really... Here's the process (in addition to the obvious):

1. On the post, request for a significant detail, I usually ask for the resume within the body of the email. This will not only show that your candidate has read the post, it will also show that he/she can follow instructions, not to mention save your computer from viruses.
2. Reviewing the resume, pay attention to the spelling. If someone can't spell, or use spell check on their resume - do you really want that person working for you?
3. Toss any candidates who send emails from vulgar addresses, this means addresses like - sexyhot6969@.....com, angelbabycakes@.....com, toocool69@....com
4. Check Myspace... it may be screwed, but believe me - myspace speaks louder than words!

Given that, I'm closing with a letter I sent as a response to a candidate applying for an administrative asst. position. I required a resume within the email, contact information, and salary requirement. Here's the response I received, notice the bold, italicized, blue sections:

-----------------------------------------------------

From: XXXXXXXXXX [mailto:XXXXXXX89@yahoo.com] Sent: Wednesday, June 11, 2008 9:04 AMTo: job-XXXXX@craigslist.orgSubject: INTRESTED

XXXXXXX XXXXXX

310XXXXXXX

1500 DOLLARS A WEEK.

-----------------------------------------------------

Yup! That was IT! I just couldn't bare it and I had to respond...

-----------------------------------------------------

From: xxxxxxxx [mailto:xxxxxxxxx] Sent: Wednesday, June 11, 2008 9:20 AMTo: xxxxxxxxxxx: RE: INTRESTED

XXXXXXXXXXX,

For an asking salary price of $6,000 per month, I’d think an employer should at least see a resume with your qualifications and background. Unfortunately, your contact information and a salary requirement does not proffer much persuasion.

Kindly send a resume to support the $72k salary requirement. Thank you.

Sincerely,

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Interviews and Other Such Oddities

I think one of the greatest things about being in HR is the opportunity to meet people. I especially get a great kick out of meeting those that are... let's just say... "special".

Here are some of those characters, which you may have met if you work in HR. Being that I am in Los Angeles, I'm sure that some of these may come off odd.

I suppose this may be a laugh, or at the very least, pointers if you are the interviewee...

1. "McSweaty" : Ok, look. I know you're nervous, or maybe you just have naturally sweaty palms - NO PROBLEM! For goodness' sake, at least wipe your hands before shaking mine! It's bad enough that you have that "Oh-My-Palms-Are-Sweaty" look, it's worst when you allow me to touch them!
2. "HairDooDoo": I like the Cure. As a matter of fact, I like a lot of bands whose members don't own combs, but those guys aren't usually looking for jobs. Unless you accidentally stuck your finger in an electric socket and made it on time for your interview... brush your damn hair!
3. "Desperado": There's nothing better than enthusiasm! Sometimes, people don't realize - when in an interview, there is a fine line between enthusiasm and DESPERATION. The next time someone tells me they'd, 'REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLLLLLLY like to work for the company', I'm going to ask them to bark like a dog.
4. "BLING!": Perhaps the photo of "Pussy Power" is a little bit too much, but do you get the idea though? There's something to be said for simple jewelry in an interview. When my eyes keep staring at your earrings, and I'm wondering, "how in the hell can your lobes accommodate for that travesty?", then there's something wrong.
5. "Boob Lady": Boob Lady is the kind of woman who... likes her boobs. So much so, she wants everyone to know it. Perhaps she's unaware that staring at someone's breasts can be a cause for sexual harassment, or perhaps she's just prepping up for that big lawsuit!
6. "Oh My Eyes!!!': The only thing worse than a 10 in' decollage is a woman who looks like a clown in a suit. There is such a thing as "enough", and when you have to run to the make-up counter to buy mascara every 4 days - there's a BIG problem.
7. "Ruffled": Around 400BC, irons were in use to create pleats, and electric irons were invented in the 1880s. Please, use this great device, or at least purchase a mirror.
8. "Senor Douche": 30+ years of experience in the corporate world, ivy league graduate, knows proper business etiquette in 20 different countries, has been the top dog multiple times in multiple Fortune 500 companies... guess what? You're still a douchebag... and quit interrupting me when I talk asshole!
9. "Cattle Called": THIS is my Los Angeles favorite. I once had an interview and asked the candidate, "How do you handle stress, or stressed associates?" (this position was to work with a VERY stressed out Finance Director) - the answer/question I received was, "What's my motivation?". ACTORS - enough said!

Approach With Caution!

“Why are you in HR?”

This should be something which you should ask yourself, and answer it truthfully…. BLAH BLAH BLAH…

Originally, that was the start to this blog - I published and posted it. It went on about how I came to HR equipped only with my background in management and a HELL of a lot of research. Then I thought to myself… ‘I’m not an expert’. I can help and advise, but by all means, I can’t being to think about hand holding lost HR personnel souls and placing an hourly charge for blabbing.

So, I tossed the idea of coming off as a guru. By all means, I’m more than happy to answer any questions, but I approach HR differently… I make it FUN. I make it fun because essentially... my company is fucked up. And, damn it if no one's going to take this job, the employees will be in a bad position. Mother Theresa, move over.

Essentially, my mission is to make the workplace bearable and … FUN, sometimes – even HAPPY. I don’t look at employees as a resource, but at the same time I know who pays my bills. I have been in a nice balancing act.

From hiring, negotiating, reprimanding, firing, DFEH investigations, surviving HR in a shady company, dropping at least 5 F-bombs on a solicitor's call, to arguing with management why "pretty" receptionists don't necessarily mean "smart" receptionists... I've done it!

On this blog, you’ll find all the shit about HR which I find ridiculous, humorous, or just helpful. And, yes – I have the mouth of a sailor, but I despise the thought that HRians (that’s my term for personnel) never say such profanity.

My mantra...

1. HAVE FUN: We’re at work for a good portion of our day (our life really), so why not make it fun?
2. BE APPROACHABLE: Take the open-door policy for everything its worth!
3. GET DOWN TO BUSINESS: The bottom line is – you’re employed by the company, so keep it running.
4. DO GOOD: I try to think of employees sort of like children - someone's gotta take care of them.